“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
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After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.