my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
You Might Also Like
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.