cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
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Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
this is how life feels
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.