cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
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Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.