COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
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If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
had to make it
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.