COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
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At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
An odd boast
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.