COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
You Might Also Like
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.