Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Welcome
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.