Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever