cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
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superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case