Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
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Challenge accepted.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Encore…
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
and this one
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
they really do be looking like this