Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
You Might Also Like
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 馃槏
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven鈥檛 baked it yet.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom馃嵎: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I don鈥檛 know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let鈥檚 go
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.