Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
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I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Well, this is awkward
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken