Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?