Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians