COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
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6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Lmao
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
San Francisco has too many rules
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Me trying to look natural in photos
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.