COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
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Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle