Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
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hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.