I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
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I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
United Steaks of America
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
6: are snakes just neck?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.