Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
your honor my client chooses dare
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”