COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
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My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
True statement👍😏😁
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right