COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
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First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
That’s not how days work.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?