When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Autocarrot sucks!
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
The Assassin.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.