[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
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I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
May never get over this