COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
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“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.