COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
meow