COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
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[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Its true…
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
For cardio I live beyond my means.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?