@AristotlesNZ: Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.
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@JermHimselfish: My girlfriend buys candles the same way I buy weed. She looks at the color, opens it and smells it, buys it, then lights it on fire to relax
@SkipsAhoi: I've had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it's really taking a toll.
@VeganZebra: Bully: Give me your lunch money Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn't Money
@JohnsonDiaz21: In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.