I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
You Might Also Like
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco