Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
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leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter