Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
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RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.