COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
You Might Also Like
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that