COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
In space, no one can hear…