God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
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The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?