COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
You Might Also Like
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I can’t stop laughing at this
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.