Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
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“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
and now we wait
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)