Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.