COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
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me, after any kind of buffet.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.