the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Leonardo DiCaprisun
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
huge if true: the moon
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.