COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
*checks Timeline*…
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere