“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.