I’m pretty like a car crash.
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Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc