Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
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“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?