Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
You Might Also Like
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian