Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
ME (calling my horse with no name):
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.