Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
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[enter password]
ForrestGump
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ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
This raises questions
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.