Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
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Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”