Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
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Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
All is fair in drunk and war.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy