Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
This is why I hate group projects
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
*frowns in Scottish*
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.