How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
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I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century