Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
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If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I’M CRYINGGG
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I bet birds love this building.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England